TMTML 05

Chapter 5

“It’s not that I don’t apologize because I think of you as a decoration or a pet. I simply don’t say I’m sorry when I’m not sorry, and I don’t promise to do something when I have no intention of doing it.”

“I never lie to you. So give up on the idea of returning to the sea.”

Mel’s face, which had brightened at the faint possibility of hope, fell into complete despair.

In the past, whether he was crying or dejected, I would have thought he looked beautiful regardless.

But strangely, seeing him like this hurt me now.

Perhaps it was because of the wounds scattered across his body.

I saw him biting his lip tightly, struggling to hold back his tears.

I couldn’t take my eyes off those soft-looking lips.

For a moment, I thought every part of him was unbearably lovely.

“You may not understand, but—”

Impulsively, I pressed my lips against his and whispered,

“I can’t let you go because I love you.”

It had been an impulsive action, and impulsive words.

At that moment, Mel was so adorable that I couldn’t bear not to kiss him.

After parting from Mel and returning to my room, I fell deep into thought.

It felt as though I had been bewitched, lost all reason, and had only just returned to my senses.

“Love?”

Only after saying the word aloud did I suddenly begin to question it.

Did I really love him?

I remembered when I had first taken in the mermaid.

Back then, I had simply been unable to leave something that looked human to die.

That was all.

A vague sense of discomfort had been the only reason I saved him.

The existence of a mermaid was certainly mysterious, but I was a human who would soon die anyway. I hadn’t had much interest in something like that.

In other words, the fact that Mel was rare in itself had never been a reason for me to keep him alive.

“I originally intended to send you back to the sea. How did it end up like this?”

Mel would never believe me, but when I first saw him, I had decided that I would return him to the sea after keeping him for an appropriate amount of time.

I had made that decision the very first moment I saw him.

If I became attached to him and then grew tired of him and asked my father to send him back to the sea, he would have done exactly as I asked.

My father had only given Mel to me because mermaids were rare and he wanted to give me a gift. He himself had no interest in mermaids.

“Was it because I loved you? Is that why I couldn’t let you go?”

Even though I had told the person himself that I loved him, I was still going over this emotion by myself, trying to understand what it really was.

“No. That’s not it.”

I shook my head.

It wasn’t that I loved him.

It was simply that he was too precious, too adorable, too lovable of a creature.

I knew the source of this emotion.

It was nothing more than possessiveness.

I will never become like Father.

I will never lock away someone I love and make them suffer.

That isn’t love.

I had written those words clearly in my diary.

In other words, this was possessiveness, not love.

Thump. Thump.

I heard the maid returning with my medicine.

But I continued staring out the window.

I thought of Mel, who was somewhere in the lake deep within the forest filled with coniferous trees in the distance.

“It’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

He couldn’t possibly hear me, yet I spoke to him like a madwoman.

My reflection in the window looked distorted.

“This isn’t love. If it were love, I would have to let you go.”

The next time I saw him, I would have to correct myself.

I would have to tell him that saying I loved him had been a mistake.

Just as he had said, I would have to tell him that he was nothing more than a pet and a decoration.

“Therefore, I won’t care even if you get hurt. I won’t worry about how much those scratches on your cheek might hurt. I won’t care about wanting to avoid lying to you. Just as you said, you are nothing but…”

My words became muffled as I clenched my teeth.

A spasmodic voice escaped me, like the breath of a beast writhing in pain.

“I won’t let you go. Never. Never ever. So this isn’t love.”

Click.

“Servain.”

The door opened.

But it wasn’t the maid who entered.

It was my father.

Of all people, he was the face I least wanted to see at that moment.

Perhaps he had something to discuss with me, because he left the maids waiting outside the door.

The moment I saw his face, my expression returned to its usual blankness.

There must have been a dark deathly shadow beneath my raised eyes.

“Father.”

I called to him quietly.

I admit it.

In the end, things had gone exactly as he intended.

“You succeeded.”

The Duke stared at me blankly.

Normally, I might have laughed at the sight of him making such a foolish expression.

But now, I didn’t even have the strength to laugh.

“I thought keeping a pet might make your depression disappear. Then perhaps you would make more of an effort to live.”

I remembered something a doctor had once told me.

At the time, I had dismissed it as nonsense.

But now I knew that his words had been true.

I forced the corners of my trembling lips upward into a smile.

…I had once intended to mock my father at the very moment I was about to die.

I would tell him that he had failed.

He had tried to take care of me according to Mother’s dying wish, but he had failed.

Therefore, Mother would never forgive him.

I had intended to tell him that I was glad to die.

But I had failed.

Instead, I uttered a single pathetic, disgraceful sentence.

A sentence I had sworn would never come from my lips.

“I want to live.”

Afterward, I resented him.

The exhaustion drained from my eyes, only to be replaced by bitterness as I glared at him.

“Why did you give me the mermaid?”

“Because of him, I started wanting this damned, miserable life to continue!”

I buried my face in my hands and cried.

I swear, I had never wanted to become someone like you.

When I was young, I had spent countless hours alone, promising myself that I would never become like you.

Even if this cursed blood relation meant I was destined to become someone like you, I wanted at least to be certain that what I felt wasn’t love.

But I had failed at everything.

Every single thing.

My feet, which the maids examined to treat them, were a complete mess.

They were covered in blood, with all kinds of thorns and fragments of stone embedded in them.

After the treatment was finished, the maids hesitated for a moment before quietly leaving the room.

Only then did my father finally speak.

“I won’t touch the mermaid. Once your body has recovered, go to the lake.”

He didn’t get angry at me for behaving insolently.

It was strange.

When I remembered what he had done when Mother rebelled against him, his reaction made no sense.

“…I will.”

Even though something about it felt unsettling, I eventually agreed.

There was no way I could go outside with feet in this condition anyway.

Even then, I mistakenly believed that although my body was weak, a little rest would be enough for me to return to the lake.

But as time passed, my body only grew weaker.

“This time, you really can’t, Miss. Please wait until you’re a little healthier, and then you can go to the lake.”

“It would only be for a moment.”

“Absolutely not. If something happens to you that day, we’ll all be thrown out…”

At first, I had enough strength to argue with the maids.

But whenever they told me that their livelihoods were at stake, I would simply take one step back.

“Please wait just a little longer. Until I’m a little healthier.”

“…Fine. I understand.”

And so, day after day, I kept postponing the day I would go see Mel.

It was a foolish decision.

Contrary to my expectations, as time passed, my body grew weaker.

More and more days came when I could do nothing but lie in bed and struggle to breathe.

My body had always been sickly, but I had never been this ill before.

I had always heard people whisper that I was weak and would die young, but this was the first time I truly understood that it might actually happen.

In the end, I decided to give up on my selfishness and compromise with reality.

“Give this to the mermaid for me.”

I handed a letter to a maid who could read.

I was ashamed to let someone else see my letter, but there was no other way.

I had read in a book that failing to send word to the person you love for a long time was a sin.

I didn’t want to become an even worse person to my mermaid.

The maid looked flustered as she asked me,

“C-can I read your letter, Miss?”

“You have no choice. The mermaid can’t read.”

Honestly, I could tolerate someone else reading my letter.

But I didn’t like the thought of someone else seeing the mermaid.

If I had my way, I would have sent the maid there with her eyes covered.

But that wasn’t possible.

The maid had another duty besides reading my letter.

She had to see the mermaid in my place and tell me what he looked like.

“…Anyway, go see how the mermaid is doing and tell me.”

“Yes, Miss.”

From that day onward, the maid would take my letters to the mermaid and read them to him.

Then she would tell me how he had reacted.

“What did Mel say today?”

“Did he ignore you again today?”

“I-I’m sorry, but he did…”

“It’s all right. Why are you apologizing?”

I was a little disappointed, but even when Mel gave no response whatsoever, I continued writing letters.

It was the only way I could reach Mel when I couldn’t see him in person.

I couldn’t give that up.

Are you doing well? You were fine in the sea, but I’m worried that the lake might be too cold for you.

At first, writing letters felt awkward, and I struggled to form sentences.

I had never said such embarrassing things aloud, so writing them down was even more difficult.

But after I continued writing, I soon became accustomed to it.

Or perhaps it was simply something I grew accustomed to with time.

After that, I actually had to make an effort not to write down my deepest thoughts.

The lake has never frozen over, but if it’s too cold, tell me anytime. Then—

Then what?

Was I going to send him back to the sea?

That was impossible.

The pen that had been moving across the page so naturally came to a stop.

It wasn’t because my hand had gone numb.

Slash!

I drew a line through the sentence I had struggled to write and erased it.

But then I imagined Mel shivering in the lake again, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave it that way.

So, foolishly, I wrote almost the same thing again.

If it’s too cold, tell me. I will…

I will send you back.