ICTGMP 19

Chapter 19

 My Male Lead Has Gone Astray! (6)

“Anastasia, you’re planning to leave my side. You don’t even intend to try to live, yet you expect to turn my world upside down? What will you do if I go mad because I can’t accept your death? Are you really determined to make Father’s concerns come true?”

There wasn’t a single thing wrong with what Adel said.

The Duke must have had his reasons for forcing Adel to live by fabricated emotions, and Adel had accepted it.

But I…

“I don’t want to force you to do something you hate.”

“You should.”

“You can feel emotions too. I don’t believe everything you’ve shown me was a lie.”

“You were deceived.”

I didn’t want to show him how hurt I was, but neither did I want to let my pride get in the way.

At some point, I had lowered my head so deeply that I had to struggle to lift it again. Through my blurred vision, I could see Adel’s expressionless face.

For a moment, I wondered if this was the real Adel.

But then, for the briefest instant, his gaze wavered.

I summoned up my courage one last time and reached for him again.

“Is that really true? Was I not even a little special to you? When you told me I was beautiful, when you held my hand and walked with me, when you said goodbye before we parted—did you really feel nothing? And the day we went out together for the first time… when you said you were happy, was that a lie too?”

At last, he answered in a flat, emotionless tone.

“Yes. It was all a lie. Anastasia, you were no different from anyone else. The reason I took more care of you and paid more attention to you was because you were someone Father cherished. If I treated you well, Father would trust me more. Wouldn’t he be relieved if I made at least one close friend? As it happened, you seemed suitable. And even if you discovered my secret, there was a high chance you wouldn’t tell anyone. You opened your heart far too easily.”

Just moments ago, he had been worried about what would happen if he couldn’t accept my death.

And now he was telling me I had never been special to him at all.

Strangely, it felt as though Adel’s words were directed not only at me, but at himself as well.

Yet no matter how contradictory they were, one thing was certain.

He was pushing me away.

So… you knew.

You knew that I had feelings for you.

“Anastasia, I’m sorry for taking advantage of your affection.”

He had finally said it.

The word use.

“If everything you’ve shown me until now really was an act, how am I supposed to believe that apology is sincere?”

“……You’re right.”

Adel didn’t deny it.

As a brief silence settled between us, I thought about the wall that had risen between us—or rather, the wall that had apparently been there all along without me knowing.

I had no idea when it would disappear.

It might remain standing between us forever.

Which meant this might be my first and last chance.

The only moment I would ever have to tell him how I felt and hear an honest answer from him.

The next time we met, Adel would probably treat me with the same kindness and gentleness as before.

Once Adel made up his mind, he could be incredibly stubborn. He would never show me these feelings again.

Ah.

So that was it.

I had to say it now.

“I liked you.”

Strangely enough, even now, I couldn’t bring myself to resent you.

I didn’t think I could ever truly hate you in the future, either.

That was simply how I felt.

The words came out much more calmly than I had expected. They weren’t filled with anger, pleading, or despair.

They were as ordinary as asking someone what the weather would be like tomorrow.

My gaze fell to the floor. I was afraid that if I looked at Adel, the little courage I had painstakingly gathered would disappear.

So I simply stared at the floor and continued in a soft whisper.

“Even though I’m not going to live very long, even though all I can do is wait for the day I die, I still wanted you to see me as someone special. It probably wasn’t anything as grand as love. I just liked waiting for you. I liked smiling at you face-to-face. I enjoyed simply walking beside you. I liked watching you read, and I was happy whenever I saw that flustered look on your face when I did something ridiculous. I loved how you quietly covered me with your coat whenever I fell asleep, and how you listened to me no matter how pointless the things I talked about were. I loved every little thing about it so much that…”

Without even realizing how much trouble I was causing you, I had gotten excited on my own and built up expectations all by myself.

“Thank you. Even if all of those things were lies, just like you said, what I felt was real.”

I rubbed my eyes and looked at Adel.

“I can’t get any closer to you than this, but I hope you won’t become this way with anyone else. You know… I just can’t force you into something you don’t want. I don’t want to become one of the people who make things difficult for you. I wanted to become close to you. I didn’t like you just so I could receive your kindness. So…”

Adel’s face had twisted into an expression of pain.

I tried my best to keep my voice steady.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t become the kind of close friend you wanted. Thank you, truly, for spending all this time with me. I guess this is goodbye.”

I walked past Adel and left the mansion.

Then I climbed straight into my carriage.

Only after that did the tears I had been holding back finally burst forth.

If only I had been given a little more time, I wouldn’t have given up so easily.

Maybe this wasn’t the end.

Maybe it wasn’t the last chapter, or the conclusion.

Maybe this was simply another part of the journey.

In the empty corridor where Anastasia had disappeared, Adel Magnus slowly turned his head.

He had known that Anastasia was listening to the conversation between him and his father.

He had deliberately provoked his father, hoping that she would hear more—and become more frightened.

Friedrich Magnus was an excessively perceptive man. Even when dealing with his own son, he never allowed his judgment to become clouded.

Years ago, the moment he realized there was something wrong with Adel, he had isolated him from the outside world and forcibly taught him the concepts of kindness, ethics, and morality that ordinary people naturally understood.

He had never asked Adel to understand.

He hadn’t even tried to persuade him.

He had simply given him an order.

If you want to leave this place, treat my words as law.

If you refuse, I will even accept killing you right now.

That was the warning Friedrich had given his young son.

After years of effort, Adel had learned to appear like a person with perfectly normal emotions to anyone who looked at him.

No one doubted his ability to empathize.

Adel had never made a mistake.

At least, not until a month ago.

Normally, he maintained a strict boundary with everyone.

Anastasia Sinclair had been no exception.

Until a month ago, she had been nothing special to him.

But now…

She had become the center of every thought and every consideration in his mind.

That was why he had given her a chance to leave.

Even though it felt as if his insides were twisting with disgust, he had hurt her deliberately.

“I liked you.”

Had he ever received such an innocent confession, even once before?

No matter how firmly Adel drew his boundaries or how high he built his walls, countless people were attracted to him.

Because he was the Duke’s son.

Because he was wealthy.

Because he was intelligent.

Because he was kind.

Because he never discriminated based on status.

There were countless reasons.

But she was the only one who had ever told him that she simply enjoyed being with him.

Even ignorant people sometimes instinctively felt an inexplicable unease around Adel.

As though they could somehow sense that he might kill them at any moment, they instinctively avoided being alone with him. They found him uncomfortable. Burdensome.

Adel himself had also tried to avoid remaining alone with other people in enclosed spaces whenever possible.

But when he was with Anastasia, he sometimes found himself almost resenting how much she enjoyed going out.

Anastasia laughed often.

She complained about the smallest things, pretended to be angry, then quickly brightened and burst into laughter again.

She was someone who could even talk about her own death without crying.

“Thank you. Even if all of those things were lies, just like you said, what I felt was real.”

He had expected her to resent him.

He had been taught that someone who was betrayed would become angry or despair.

Yet she had apologized instead.

She had told him she was sorry.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t become the kind of close friend you wanted. Thank you, truly, for spending all this time with me. I guess this is goodbye.”

It was a farewell.

Anastasia had said she didn’t want a relationship built on pretense. She had said she couldn’t force him to live that way.

How cruel.

She probably didn’t even realize that she had backed him into a corner.

Now he had no choice but to make a decision.

Either obey his father’s command and distance himself from Anastasia.

Or show Anastasia the genuine feelings she had wanted from him.

From a purely rational perspective, the sensible choice was, of course, to obey his father.

Nothing would change.

He would remain safe.

He could continue living as Adel Magnus, the beloved young man everyone adored.

But he would never see Anastasia again.

And it was obvious that she would avoid him from now on.

The second choice was unbelievably reckless.

Anastasia still didn’t know him completely.

If she learned what he was truly like and became frightened, if she spread rumors that the young Duke’s son Adel Magnus might suddenly turn into a murderer at any moment, his life would be over.

There would be no going back to the way things had been.

Should he deceive her?

More thoroughly.

More cleverly.

Should he pretend to be truly in love with her?

He was confident he could do it.

He had the ability to play the part of a man so deeply in love that Anastasia would never realize it was an act.

If he became even kinder, gentler, more affectionate, more anxious around her than he had been until now, Anastasia would eventually believe him.

If he layered one falsehood over another, he could remain by her side without frightening her.

Suddenly, Adel let out a hollow laugh.

He realized something.

He wanted to remain by her side so desperately that he was willing to continue this miserable farce.

He had never wanted anything this badly before.

But he also knew exactly what would happen if these feelings continued to grow.

In the end, he would undoubtedly try to save Anastasia.

And doing so would inevitably require murder.

On the surface, he had tried to give Anastasia hope.

But Adel also knew that an ordinary medicine would never be enough to save her.

Even the House of Magnus, whose wealth reached every corner of the continent, had yet to find even a clue that could cure her illness.

Her disease could not be completely cured by conventional means.

That left only one option.

A living sacrifice.

Perhaps he had already made his choice.

The moment Anastasia gave him permission, he would carry it out without the slightest pang of conscience.

“Adel, I think you need to become a little more of a bad person.”

Yes, Anastasia.

You are far too lovable.

I only hope that you will be someone capable of handling me.